Endings and Beginnings
by mdseiran
Summary: How much does it hurt when someone close to you dies? How much of it will you be able to take? Would you be able to live with loads of guilt thrown on your shoulders? Or would you give up...? (Slightly changed - Red Thread Entry)


Endings and Beginnings By Hibbah 

**_Disclaimer:_ I am prejudiced. Everything that happens to the Meitantei Conan cast in this fic is b/c of that. And if I owned them, this is what I would do. But… I don't… The cast belongs to Gosho Aoyama, none of them are mine… **

**_A/N:_** Warning: very, _very_, _VERY _dark fic. If you're in a good, happy mood, don't read. Leave it for a day when you are very pessimistic… More notes after the fic, b/c if I start blabbing now, I'm gonna spoil the story… ;)

**__**

Endings and Beginnings

By Hibbah

_Yesterday_

(John Lennon, Paul McCartney)  
Lead Vocal: Paul McCartney  
  
_Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away  
Now it looks as though they're here to stay  
Oh, I believe in yesterday  
  
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be  
There's a shadow hanging over me.  
Oh, yesterday came suddenly  
  
Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say  
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday  
  
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play  
Now I need a place to hide away  
Oh, I believe in yesterday  
  
Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say  
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday  
  
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play  
Now I need a place to hide away  
Oh, I believe in yesterday_

  
  


Beginning a narration like this one is always hard; nevertheless, it has to be done. I have pondered on how to start; this story has neither a beginning, nor an end. At least, not yet. 

Perhaps the best time to start with, is when things finally came to a peak. At a funeral.

It was an unusual funeral by all means. Maybe because this time it was someone I actually knew, someone I could relate to. This one wasn't like the funeral of a victim whose murderer I found out either before or after that. This was… Personal. Very personal.

It was raining. It wasn't the first time I had been to a funeral where it rained, but somehow, this time, it felt as if it had a deeper meaning. Like the sun that used to shine on us was really gone…

Kazuha had insisted on coming of course. I couldn't have stopped her even if I had wanted to, which I didn't. Maybe because I needed her support that day, more than any day.

As I stood there, waiting to pay my last respects, I turned my gaze among the people who had come. There was Sonoko, along with the rest of her classmates. They were all crying, especially Sonoko. I could see that even from the distance I was standing at. I felt sorry for her. She had probably lost her best friend.

On her right stood Kudo-san and his wife. Yukiko-san had silent tears streaming down her ghostly-pale face. Kudo-san was trying to comfort her, without showing her the tears shining in his own eyes. It had to be very hard for them. They had known her for a long time, ever since she was a small kid.

On Sonoko's left stood Keibu-han, along with Takagi-kun and Satou-san. Next to them were the Detective Boys. Tears fell freely in that corner. I won't go as far as to say Keibu-han and Takagi-kun really _cried_, but Satou-san surely did, as did those kids. Strange, how she had been loved so much, even by police officers…

A few feet away from them stood Mouri-san and Eri-san. A huge surge of pity overwhelmed me. Ossan was crying, with loud sobs, as if he could never stop. So was his wife, a bit less loud, but even more sincere. At the same time, she was comforting poor Ossan, who was clinging to her like a baby. No one could be more heartbroken than the two of them. Except maybe…

Yes; there he was. Kudo… 

Whatever I had expected, it wasn't this. I would have been reassured if I had seen him crying, or broken down, or even shouting and screaming. But this… This was not what I had expected…

There he stood, silent, erect, not a trace of emotion on his face. He wasn't crying, nor breaking down. He looked…cold. That's what he looked like. Stone-faced. It worried me. He _should _be showing emotion! After all, this wasn't just anyone lying there. This was the girl he had wanted to marry, the girl he had grown up with, the only girl he had ever loved. This was _Ran_…

Yes; it was _Ran_ who was lying there, _Ran_ who had given up her pure soul for someone she loved, _Ran_ who had been killed…

_Killed…_ God, how I hated that word, now more than ever. You didn't just kill the victim; you killed all those who had loved him as well. They all died, if not in body then in soul. I could see it happening around me, could feel it happen to _me_… Souls shattering, killed by an invisible murderer called Death. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't supposed to die yet. For God's sake, she was only 20 years old! She was supposed to have fun with her friends, go to lots of parties, get married and have kids; in short, she was supposed to lead a happy life till she was 100 years old and ready to go to eternal sleep.

I could feel tears starting to form behind my eyelids, but I quickly brushed them away. It hurt, but I wasn't about to show it. I needed to hold myself together. _For his sake…_

I turned my head to look at him again. Still standing in exactly the same pose. I wondered what was going through his head right then. What was he thinking as he watched her lying there? I resolved myself to have a talk with him when this was over; his expression didn't foretell any good…

I was jerked out of my thoughts when Kazuha pulled me softly from my arm. When I turned to look at her, her eyes filled with new tears. I remember feeling quite helpless then. But before I could make a move, she had fallen into my arms, sobbing as I had never seen her do before. I could feel my heart clench, and remember putting my arms around her, trying to comfort her in whatever way. Maybe I was also trying to hold myself together, to prevent my eyes from letting the burning tears I was storing fall down. I wasn't sure I could for much longer, but at least like this I was preoccupied.

It took a while before Kazuha's crying had slowed down enough for me to try and see whether she would let me go or not. The hug seemed to have helped her, if only slightly. Thank God for that.

She gave me wobbly smile, then walked towards Eri-san. I saw her hug her, and it was then that Eri-san broke down as well. I turned me eyes away; no use watching them. Instead, I once more looked at Kudo, and before I could change my mind, started walking towards him.

I stopped a short distance away from him. He must have heard me, but he gave no indication of that. He just kept staring at the place where Ran was lying. He had done nothing else all day.

He kept quiet for a long time, and I hardly dared to breath. It was as if there were only us and no one else. I had to get him to talk, I _had_ to…

"Kudo, if you want to see her that much, why don't you just go stand next to her instead of here, where you can hardly see anything?"

I had spoken softly, and I thought that was the reason why he didn't reply. Maybe he hadn't heard me. But when I was about to repeat his question, his soft-spoken words stopped me short. "Because I don't deserve to stand there among all those who love her."

It was then that I wondered if Kudo was going crazy. What he said just didn't make any sense. Didn't he love her too, more than anyone standing he ever could? What was he going on about?

"I'm sorry, Hattori, I need to go somewhere. I'll see you later."

Before I even had the chance to stop him, he was running towards the parking lot, running so fast I doubted I could keep up with him, so I didn't try. He had said later; I'd make sure of it. Something wasn't good, and I had to find out what. I wasn't about to desert my best friend. _Later it is, Kudo…_

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

That reminded me never to trust Kudo again… He might have said later, but did he mean it? Of course not. He didn't show up at all. He should have been there, where there were people who could comfort him if he needed any. I would have thought that he wouldn't leave Ran for anything in the world. And I don't think he wanted to. Maybe _I_ forced him to. Maybe he wasn't ready for confrontations. Not that that would make me back down of course. I could feel that he was trying to keep himself together; Kudo has never been the kind to show emotion; but I had a fairly good idea that his mask, his poker face was going to crash soon. Better in front of me than someone else, or by himself for that matter.

The reception they held for Ran was… I don't even know how to describe it. It was _fitting_. Just that. When you stood there, you had the feeling she was still there, looking down on you, smiling. The flowers they had gathered for her had light colors; pale pink, pale blue, pale yellow. Sweet fragrances filled the room, different odors from different flowers mixing together. A light fragrance too, just like her. Maybe that's what drove Kudo away. It made you all the sadder at realizing that she _wasn't_ there anymore. 

The crying had more or less died down. It seemed that someone had come to the conclusion that ran wouldn't have wanted to see them cry. At first, that notion had only brought on more tears for everyone present. But a little while later, it was Ossan who said the same thing. "My daughter wanted everyone to be happy. I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted the people she knew and loved to cry at her funeral."

And that brought an end to his crying as well. 

The rest of the reception was fairly quiet. I saw Kazuha flashing by once or twice. She didn't seem to be crying anymore. I was glad for that. It hurt to see her cry. It hurt that I _felt_ like crying along with her. _Neechan, you changed too many lives today. Nothing will ever be the same… Especially for Kudo…_

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I had been back in Osaka for a week, and no word from Kudo. I had heard rumors that the famous Kudo Shinichi was back to deducing. But like I said, they were only rumors. 

Maybe I felt a bit mad at him for not calling me back, for not keeping his promise. Or maybe I just felt sorry for him. I couldn't imagine being in that situation. _God. Let that never happen to me…_

At the same time, I was worried too. Enough to try calling him at home one night. No one answered the phone though. That meant his parents had probably gone back to the USA. I could make a good guess as to who drove them to that. If the shoe fit…

After a week or two of worrying, I finally decided to go to him. This time, I didn't tell Kazuha. I needed to do this by myself. So I took the first train to Tokyo I could catch. It was a night train. I tried to sleep; I honestly did, but worry kept sleep away from my eyes. I remembered Kazuha telling me she had nightmares now and then, about _her_ mostly. I don't think I've had a good night's sleep since _it_ happened. It must be the sorrow. I have to admit, I even felt guilty. Maybe I could have helped somehow, someway, if I had been there. I know that doesn't make much sense, but guilt never does. I even told Kazuha this once. I felt that since she had been honest with me about her nightmares, I could be honest about this. And the funny thing is, she understood. She actually comforted me. Maybe that's not the word. She more or less threatened to hit me on my head if I didn't stop that, but I think it helped. The feeling is still there, but less than before. I don't completely agree with her, and that might be why it hasn't disappeared completely (though God knows the mere _mention_ of a good punch is enough to make me stop practically anything!); maybe because I saw some tears sparkling in her eyes after I had told her. Maybe because I think she feels guilty too.

The train came to a shuddering halt, almost throwing me from my chair. _That'll teach my mind to drift again. _I quickly collected the small bag I had packed in a hurry, and only because Okan forced me to. Don't think she'd have let me out of the house if I hadn't. And she knows enough of my ways by now to figure out where I usually escape from. So now the back door is always locked. And of course I don't have a key. Honestly, mothers can be a big bother sometimes…

It didn't take long for me to find a cab; I didn't feel like walking today. I could take a wrong turning somewhere, I was that absentminded. And besides, I needed to reach his home before Kudo did. Take him by surprise so he couldn't run away.

When I reached his house it was completely dark. Still, I tried to be as quiet as possible. You never know who might be there. 

The front door was locked. _Kuso…_ I remember sighing with exasperation back then. Too bad Kudo was one of those oh so very _careful_ people… The only choice I had was to go to Agasa-hakase to see if he had a spare key.

Thank God, he was home. It had started to rain now, and I didn't feel like standing outside all night. Not to mention it was getting a bit cold too. Fortunately for me, Agasa-hakase had a pot of tea ready, and he invited me in for a cup, which I accepted gratefully. The tea was nice and hot, and it warmed me up fast. Which was good, because I would need this warmth for the chilling conversation I would be having in a while.

"Ne, Agasa-hakase, where's Kudo? I haven't heard from him for a long time."

Agasa-hakase sighed. "That's a long story, Hattori-kun."

I leaned back in my chair. "And I have all the time in the world right now."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Well, I can't say I was very pleased with that particular story. Seems his poker face hadn't slipped yet. Now was that good or bad? I think it was the latter; every psychological script I had read emphasized the point that letting out your emotions was healthy. It kept you _sane_. At the same time, he had been drowning his sorrows. In what? I'll give you three guesses. And one hint. It's _not_ alcohol. So, did you guess? Yep, that's about right. **Work!! Apparently, Keibu-han had given him a job at the police station. He was allowed to go along with him for investigations and such. And what Kudo found the best was that he almost had no time for sleep. He never came back home before 11 pm, and he had to be up again at 4. He probably didn't sleep anyway, except when he was almost dead maybe. **

The professor didn't even look surprised when I asked him for an extra key to Kudo's house. I think he was happy I was trying. He gave it to me without advice, just a 'Be careful'. Careful of who, though? _Surely he couldn't mean…?_

I let myself quietly into the house, and directed my steps to the kitchen. I hadn't eaten since lunch, and I was ravenous. Luckily the refrigerator was full. Probably the professor's work. Don't think Kudo would care too much.

I grabbed a sandwich from the fridge and a mug from the counter. I put on water for coffee. It looked like it was going to be a long night…

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

At around midnight I heard the front door open. I was halfway through my third cup of coffee, and getting sick and tired from waiting. I was relieved he was finally home. _Let's get this show on the road…_

When I walked to the front door I found him crouched on the floor, staring at something. _Shoot, my shoes!_ And right I was.

"Hello, Hattori. Didn't know you were planning to come over." He straightened up then, and I could barely keep back a gasp. He looked…weird. Altered. Too much for my liking. His face was pale, he had dark circles under his eyes; he looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep in years. Then there was the fact that he had lost weight badly. As if he hadn't eaten in months. When he saw my reaction his smile was ironic. "Not quite what you expected, right? I don't blame you."

A surge of pity welled up in me, and I quickly repressed it. If I started feeling sorry for him, I wouldn't be able to do what I had come to get done. And it **_had_ to be done, today. Before he went more downhill.**

"You promised me we'd talk later. I never knew you were this bad in keeping your promises. And I wasn't about to let you get away with it. And since you weren't planning to come over, I took the first step."

He shrugged his shoulders, and started to walk towards the kitchen. "You want something to drink?"

"Thanks, but I have already taken the liberty of using the kitchen. But don't mind me, you look like you could use some."

A snort was the only reply I got. "Yeah, right. I remember hearing someone tell me that, let's see, today? I think it was Satou-san. She even offered to take me out for dinner." Another snort. And I was losing my patience quickly. I had never had an abundance of that (Kazuha could tell you something about that) and what little reserves I had left were deserting me fast. "Anyway, I'm not hungry."

It was my turn to snort. "Well, you sure look like it. But hey, it's your call. We need to talk."

"Yeah, sure. Just let me change, and we can talk." He was already heading to the stairs. His mumble probably wasn't meant for me to hear, but I did anyway. "Not that it will do much good." I was defeated before I had even begun. Not a good start.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Well, at least he kept his promise this time. He really did come down to talk. I had been afraid he would lock himself up in his room or something. We sat down in the living room, me in a chair and Kudo sitting on the couch, probably as far away as possible. There was something wary about him, as if he didn't trust me. _Well, that is just too bad for him. _

"So, Kudo. What have you been up to?"

"Work." I kept my tongue inside my mouth, tied up in as many knots as I could tie it in. Wouldn't do to lose my temper from the very beginning. "Yeah, I heard. So what's it like, finally working with the police?"

"It's fine." This time I bit my tongue. "Is that what you came here to ask?"

I was surprised at the direct way of his asking. But then again, they say the best defense is a strong offense. And I decided that, if this went on much longer, my tongue would be too bloody for me to use in talking.

"No. That wasn't what I came here for. I came, because you promised me we would talk, and didn't keep that promise. And you _need_ someone to talk to, Kudo, whether you admit it or not. I'm not going to beat around the bush any longer; my temper is giving up as it is. So, are you going to tell me about it, get it off your chest?"

No response. Curse his cold-blooded poker face! I needed to see some cracks!

"Well?" I gave him the sternest look I could muster, which wasn't that hard, considering my current mood.

"I don't need to 'get it off my chest'; it's already inside."

And what was I supposed to say to that? "Still. You have to talk it over with someone. And since I'm here anyway, it might as well be me."

He was quiet again. And my face was turning very hot. Trying to hide it didn't do me any good. I needed to get it out before I erupted. And maybe that would start him talking.

The next words came out in a growl. "Kudo, you had better start spitting it out, because I am losing my temper. I didn't come here for nothing, and I won't leave empty handed. What do you think _she_ would have said if she saw you like this? You think _she_ would be happy? She loved you, for God's sake! Don't do this to yourself! She's **gone and there's nothing you can do about it! Wake up, Kudo!!!"**

He was up as fast as a flash of lightening. And… Thank God, the poker face was cracking. Raw emotions were appearing from under it. Blind fury, rage, anger. But beneath that were the guilt, sorrow, despair. And that was what I was there for.

"You think I don't know? You think I don't have to live with that everyday? I have done nothing but trying to hide from the truth ever since it happened, and here you are pulling it up again! I won't stand for it, I won't!"

"Hiding from the truth? Weren't you the one who always used to say, 'There's only one truth'? And didn't you say once that it didn't matter who found it; all that mattered was that it appeared. Well, it's staring you in the face right now! Are you going to run away from it after seeking it all of your life?!"

I thought I had scored a point here; my tirade had been loud enough to wake the whole street, and he wasn't looking very composed right now. But then, just as soon as it had slipped off, the poker face was on again. "Go home, Hattori. I don't need your help, or anyone else's. Go home." He turned towards the stairs, obviously going upstairs. And then it happened. I snapped. Inside that is. I was sick and tired, and I needed to make him listen. So I ran towards the stairs, blocking his way. He tried to push by me, but that was impossible. He didn't know me when I was angry; I don't think anyone really does. You might think Kazuha would, but those fights we have are not because I am angry. That's just when I'm annoyed. **This was my true anger. And it was boiling.**

"You are going to listen to me whether you like it or not."

He didn't budge. Still pushing and trying to get me out of the way. Curse his stubborn character that always got in the way.

"I don't think that's for you to decide, Hattori. I make my own choices now."

The only way I saw of getting a real break-through was provoking him. It was going to hurt me as much or more than it would him, and I hated doing it. It was all lies anyway. But I was _forced_ to. 

"Now? You only make your own choices now because the one who used to make them for you is gone. She left you alone in this cruel world. Do you blame her for that, Kudo? Is that what this is about?"

And the rage was coming up again. "Don't you **_dare_ say anything like that to me again! Blame her? How? I couldn't blame her. Ever. Not that you would understand about that. I forgot you don't _feel_ anything."**

I told you it was going to hurt both of us. So now I had become an unfeeling bastard. Guess that is some sort of progress. And this had turned into a shouting match, a match of wills. Who was the most stubborn? 

"If you say so. But I'm not the one maintaining he doesn't _care_ about anyone. I'm not the one who's locking himself up because of that. Did you _really_ care about her? Or was that just another of your tricks?"

I could see I had gone too far. He was at me in a minute, grabbing my shirt and glaring into my face with hatred for what I had said blazing like a red-hot fire in his eyes. And maybe he even hated **me right then. I didn't care; just as long as it brought him to his senses. All is fair in love and war, right? And this was a case of both.**

That wasn't all of it though. He had gotten so far in his anger as to raise his fist against me. He even tried to punch, probably forgetting in his anger that I was a kendo expert, and he weak with lack of sleep and nearing starvation through his own doing. I stopped his hand easily enough. And maybe this would be the last step.

With his fist held firmly in my hand, I pulled his arm away, at the same time making a fist out of my right hand. I drew back my arm, and then quickly pushed the fist forward into his face. It was a hard punch. I was angry then. And I felt he needed it. _Last step…_

He fell over from shock, and crumbled to the floor from the force of the blow. I was shouting now. "Wake up, Kudo!!!"

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

He was just half-lying there, his face where I had punched him covered with his hand. He was staring at the ground, and my anger was starting to boil up again when I saw them. Two lonely tears falling to the carpet beside Kudo's other hand. And as fast as it had boiled up, my anger subsided. I didn't try to get him to his feet; better to let him be. 

When more tears started to fall, I silently withdrew to the kitchen. Grabbing a glass of water, I seated myself at the table. He should be able to cry his heart out without anyone watching. That way, he wouldn't be embarrassed. 

I should have been happy; after all, I had got what I wanted hadn't I? He had broken down, and right in front of my eyes too. But somehow, it made me even more desperate than before. I had never seen Kudo shed as much as a tear before, and I had never thought he could. In our line of work, you had to have a good grip on your emotions, or else you'd flip. And that's what he had been doing. Only he had overdone it. So I cracked him up. Because I had to.

This just showed me, for the first time, how deep such a wound could go. When someone close to you dies, you will get a wound in your heart. It doesn't bleed, and it never heals, even though the pain might grow less after a while. But even then you still have to live with it. I wondered how he had been able to survive through it all, just cracking because someone forced him to. Kudo had always had a determination made of steel. It had helped him through the years he had had to live as Conan. And it would help him now too. At least that's what I hoped. I don't think I could live with myself if Kudo never got back to normal again. 

I had been sitting there for half an hour before I heard quiet footsteps coming towards the kitchen. Sure enough, a few seconds later the door opened. I didn't look at him. _Take your time, Kudo. _

He sat on the chair opposite to me. I made sure my eyes were directed to the floor, until he spoke. "I'm sorry."

I accepted his apology without saying so. He looked as if he needed a cup of coffee. Now Kazuha might claim I can't make anything, but my coffee is pretty good. And Kudo needed a strong cup.

I quietly got up and put some fresh water on the stove, took a clean mug from the cabinet, and didn't sit down again till the warm, steaming cup of black coffee was sitting in front of Kudo on the table. I had added sugar, and had wanted to put some milk in too, but he didn't seem to have any.

Kudo gave me a silent thanks before picking up the cup and taking a sip. "Ugh! Hattori, what on earth did you give me??"

I actually chuckled. "Coffee. Strong. You need it right now."

"Don't think you can even call this coffee." He was muttering, but he picked up the cup again, and drank it to the last drop, pulling faces all the time. Guess my coffee isn't so good after all…

When Kudo put the cup down, he looked a little better. "I'm sorry, Hattori. I've been behaving like a jerk, especially towards you."

I was about to come up with a smart retort, but something in his face held me back. _Time of Revelations?_

"You know, I never thought this would happen. I never thought I would lose her like this. Killed, no less. And so young too."

I was afraid to interrupt, but I had been curious about this for far too long. The question was itching to come out, and maybe (just maybe) it would get answered. He was in a better mood after all.

So I asked him softly. "I never heard the details… You never told anyone…"

At first I thought he hadn't heard me, but that couldn't be true. And I didn't want to ask again. But I didn't have to.

"I've never told anyone, because it was too painful to talk about. You're the first one I'm telling, and maybe the last. Just please…don't interrupt."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I took her out for dinner that day. You know I had been back to my true form for a while now, ever since Haibara – or Shiho, rather – had found the lasting antidote. You were even there when it happened. And even though we had never really taken down the Organization, Shiho had edited our files from the Organization's database. I was written down as dead, and her own file was completely erased. Even the members who knew us personally were more or less taken care of. You remember that bomb explosion, right? It was too good to be true, having Gin, Vodka and Vermouth all die in one accident. I thought I was safe from the Organization, more or less. Not that that meant they could escape justice of course, and I did everything I could back then to find them again. But they had disappeared. And I started to lead a normal life again."

"My relationship with Ran had been going in the right direction. That day was special; it was the day I was going to tell Ran about my feelings for her, and then ask her to marry me. After that, I would start the engagement with a clean slate – I never really doubted that she would say 'yes' – by telling her about Edogawa Conan. It's ironic that fate chose to take her away from me on that precise day."

"I took her to a fancy restaurant; not the one I had taken her to before. It all went on quite well. She was laughing and joking, and we were having a good time. And then they showed up."

"I didn't notice them at first. I was too preoccupied I guess. Besides, they hadn't showed up in a year. I thought I was safe. But I wasn't."

"They came upon me suddenly. I only noticed them when the shooting first began. They were on the other side of the room. I remember pushing Ran down while shouting for everybody else to do the same. I dropped down beside her then, blocking her ears from the gunshots and screams. It was frightening to say the least. Glass was breaking, and I think someone else got hit as well. I didn't really care at the time. I took a peek from under the table and saw that the shooters were men wearing **black. My heart started to beat faster then. I knew they must be after me. And they had probably seen me, or they wouldn't have started firing in the open like that."**

"They were coming closer to where we were hiding, so I told Ran that she had to go hide somewhere else. But she didn't want to go. She must have sensed my fear – she was always good at that – and she refused to go without me. I didn't really have a choice. I wanted her safe. So I went with her."

"We were running towards the backdoor. I figured that was our best shot, as we were out of other options. We were running, side by side, she close to the wall, me trying to protect her from further bullets coming our way. I could hardly believe my luck when we reached the door unscratched. But then the door opened, and one of the bastards was in front of us, gun ready to shoot. I was standing in front, and I was mad. I didn't care if they killed me; all I cared about was saving her. I put my feet in a better position, trying to protect her body with my own. But Fate always has weird tricks up her sleeve. A second before the bullet left the man's gun, Ran moved swiftly from behind me, spreading her arms and pushing herself in front of me. She was facing me, and I heard her whisper something. In her last breath, she still tried to make me happy, make me feel better, keep me alive. Her last words were, 'I love you'. And then she was gone. The bullet erupted in her back, and she fell forward into my arms. The member prepared his gun again, but before he could move he was shot down from behind me. I could hear Megure-keibu's voice ordering the rest to surrender. I didn't care; I would have gladly died. All I wanted was to be with her, and now I couldn't even do that anymore. Those bastards weren't satisfied with taking part of my life away from me, years I had to spend as Conan. They had to take the rest too. And she was all I cared about."

His voice broke slightly at this point, as it had in others. I couldn't blame him. I didn't feel I could talk if my life depended on it. Something was struck in my throat, and before I knew it tears were streaming silently on my face. I could see Kudo was crying too; telling me the whole story must have robbed him off the small reserves of energy he had left.

We sat there silently for a couple of moments, both of us trying to keep the bucket of emotions from tilting any further. I didn't expect him to speak again, but he did.

"After that, I stopped feeling. Except for the pain; that can never go away. And I was feeling guilty too. I had never told her the truth, about anything. Not even about my feelings. I had the chance to tell her during my whole life, and I never did. Until it was too late. And then it didn't matter anymore. She was gone already, leaving me alone in a heartless world."

"You know, Hattori, I still dream about her. I've tried keeping the dreams away, but somehow they always come back. The same dream, over and over again. She is walking down some stairs. There is no floor, no walls. There's just pink and black colored air. Or maybe it isn't really air. She is walking, and then suddenly she starts falling. I try to grab her hand. I manage to hold on to her, and I start feeling relieved. And the she starts slipping, inch by inch. Till she drops completely. I try to catch her hand again, but I'm always too late. And that's when I wake up sweating."

"You know, at the funeral, I could feel the rain drops slapping my face and shouting in their own language of fearful silence... Was I in a dream? How could that be? The rain, the air, the crying masses and something at the nadir of my heart were all shouting 'Wake up!'... But that, I realized wasn't because I was asleep or even drunk with pain... they all wanted me, without hissing a single word, to wake up from my own denying of myself. But I didn't want to listen. And look what became of me now."

"All of it is beating me up, Hattori. I don't feel alive anymore. I feel as if my soul deserted me the day hers was taken. I feel like dying…"  
  
And at that point I couldn't take it anymore. I had never heard Kudo sounding so…defeated. I never even suspected that behind that mask lay all this hurt and guilt. And he was wrong. He was… "Wrong." He raised his head, surprised that I had spoken. "You are wrong, Kudo. Lots of people care about you. I know how hard this is. But you can't give up. This isn't you talking. You are stronger than this. Remember how desperate you were when you were Conan? Remember how hard it was most of the time? But you never gave up. You are one of the strongest persons I know. Don't give up now. There _are_ people who care still. I do. Agasa-hakase, your parents, your friends. **You are not alone!! Don't ever think that!"**

I took a deep breath, then another. Kudo looked stunned to say the least. _Lets continue the good work._

"Do you think she would have wanted you to live like this? Consumed with guilt and sorrow? Is that why she…why she died for you? She died so that you could live _your_ life. She loved you, Kudo. Is this her reward for the sacrifice she made?"

"You have to get on with your life, Kudo. That's what she would have wanted."

I heard him take a shaky breath, and realized that I was taking one myself. _Talk about an emotional night…_

"You're right, Hattori. I hate to admit it, but you are. I'm really glad you came over today. Never thought I would ever need someone to sort my own head for me." And then he actually laughed. And that was my greatest victory ever. And the only one I will never forget. I might forget cases I have solved, no matter how difficult the mystery. But never this.

He looked more cheerful, but of course the undercurrent of sadness and guilt was still there. I left him for now. He was making a fresh start at least.

"You want to stay here for the night? I have plenty of empty bedrooms."

"Yeah, why not. On one condition."

He started to look suspicious. "What's that?"

My grin felt good after all the negative emotions. "You go to sleep, and you invite me out for breakfast tomorrow morning."

"Okay, deal." His smile was already getting warmer. It was then that I knew I had done the right thing.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I left for Osaka after spending a couple of days with Kudo. We even got to solve a couple of cases together; seemingly, Kudo had convinced Keibu-han that I was just as good as him.

It was good to be back home again. I had actually missed Kazuha's continual shouting and the ever-lasting fights. Not that I would ever tell her that.

And sure enough, a tirade hit me when I got home. Where had I been, what had I been up to, and how dare I have gone to Tokyo without her. The list went on and on. But I never said I word. I was too glad to be home.

After she had finally said enough and left the house after muttering about having to take care of me all the time, I went to my room to unpack and to think. The conversation with Kudo hadn't just opened his mind and heart; it had opened mine as well. To things I must have known but was hiding from. I came to the conclusion that life is short, and you should grasp any chance you get for anything with both your hands, your feet, and your teeth. Or else it might be too late, and you would spend the rest of your life repenting. Like Kudo was doing. I wasn't going to make the same mistake he had made, when he kept his feelings to himself. That brought me to my second brainwave. What about my own feelings? Towards Kazuha? Did I love her? I felt sure I did. So what if something like that happened to her before I could tell her??

That thought scared me a lot. _What if…?_ A scary question. That left me only one choice. I had to do something about it.

But that was scary too. I didn't even know if she felt anything for me at all. Maybe she just loved me as a best friend, or a brother. Maybe she only _liked_ me. Anything was possible. So what to do?

I had only one option. Tell her everything. And that's what I did. The next morning…

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

She came to my house that morning, asking me if I would like to go with her. I think she mentioned going to a shopping mall. Now I have never liked those things, but I figured that it didn't really matter; the important thing was to talk to her. So I agreed. And we went. She bought some stuff from different shops, and the dragged me into a cinema to watch a movie. After that, food was on the list. After pondering it for a while, I decided to take her to one of my favorites. It was a small restaurant, not expensive, but very comfortable. And they had great noodles.

I have to say that it turned out better than I expected. Kazuha fell immediately in love with the small place, and her smile seemed to light up the whole room. And that smile encouraged me. I waited till after she had eaten to throw the bomb at her; after all, I didn't know what her reaction would be… Didn't want her spilling the food on the table or something…

"Kazuha, there's something I need to tell you. I want to ask you to please listen without interrupting. I know that's going to be hard, but please try." She was definitely curious now. _Oh boy…_

"I was in Tokyo for a couple of days to see Kudo. We had a long talk, one that made us both see certain things in a clearer light. And now that they are clear, I feel the need to tell you. Before it is too late."

"We have known each other since childhood. We have been best friends for a very long time. We got into and out of scrapes together. I can't really remember a time when we were separated. And I have come to realize that my feelings for you have undergone a big change."

My face was starting to turn hot, and I felt a blush creeping up. _Please, God, don't let her see that…_

"The thing is that… I mean, I want to say that…" God, was I actually **gulping??**

And then suddenly it seemed so easy. The words seemed to leap off my tongue. So I let them leap.

"I love you…" And I waited for her reaction. I had said it; now what?

We both kept quiet for what seemed like a long time, but in fact were only minutes. When I finally dared to look at her face, I felt an incredible wave of relief wash over me. She was blushing, and the blush had given her face a new glow. But… Wait a second… _Are those _**_tears__?_**

"Heiji, you baka. Why didn't you tell me this before?"

If I hadn't been in a public place I would have surely dropped from my chair. 

"Don't you know that I love you too? I have for a long time, but I never thought you'd feel the same way."

That made my eyes grow wide. And than I started laughing. "We are such idiots! Here we are, loving each other secretly for years, and only now confessing to that."

She grinned too. And I had never felt so relieved. Suddenly I felt like getting out of this place, being alone somewhere with Kazuha. I had some ideas I wanted to try out with her, but that certainly couldn't be done there. I grabbed her hand, paid the bill, and pulled her to the parking lot. There, I got on my motorbike, and with her behind me, raced off for 'unknown destinations'.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A week later I was once more back in Tokyo. This time, I had taken Kazuha with me; I wasn't going to let her out of my sight again. 

It was still early in the afternoon, so I figured that Kudo would still be at work. And sure enough, when I arrived there after depositing Kazuha at the hotel, he was sitting at one of the small desks they use, lined up in a row, papers scattered all over his working place, and him sitting in the middle of it all, looking more or less bewildered. A grin found its way to my face; I don't think that Kudo had realized what working with the police meant. It wasn't only the deduction; lots of paperwork to do. I had been better prepared for it. Thank God for Oton and his many warnings.

"Hoi, Kudo. You trying to find a needle in a haystack?"

He grinned at my joke, and I was very relieved to see some of his previous well-known spirit had come back to him. The haunted look was still there, and I hadn't expected it to be gone either; the wound was still too fresh. But there was some improvement at least. Hell, you can say there was _huge_ improvement compared to last week.

"Try not to act smart, Hattori. Or I might just let you finish this work for me."

"So why don't you get out of here for a while and get something to eat with me? My treat."

A look of playfulness came into his eyes, making them light up somewhat. With mock amazement he returned my bantering, making it look like old times.

"Wow, that's the first time I have ever heard you actually invite someone. Good thing too; my wallet is drying up, and I don't think I can afford paying for all that you're going to eat."

We burst into laughter together, and I gave him a playful punch on his arm. "So how about it? Like you said, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity!"

"Okay, okay, I'll come. Don't think Megure-keibu will mind me taking a couple of hours off. And if he does, I'll just apply to Satou-san. She's been acting a bit like Kaasan these days. And besides, around here her will is law."

"Ah, I see. The familiar 'Women Rule' concept." He grinned in reply. "Okay, then, go ask him so we can go. I wouldn't mind taking a squad car actually. You think that could be arranged too?"

"Why don't you go ask him? Don't think he'll refuse a request from Hattori Heizou's son."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

True enough, 15 minutes later we were inside the squad car. Kudo was driving; recklessly. Wouldn't have expected it. He added a real special flavor to driving. Made it seem almost like an adventure. You know, almost smashing into street lamps, swerving to avoid people, that kind of stuff. All that was really missing was putting the siren on, but Kudo wouldn't hear of it. No matter how reckless the driving, he seemed determined to follow the rules. And one of those rules was to _never_ switch on the siren unless it's an emergency.

"Hey Kudo, where on earth did you learn to drive like that?"

I could barely see his grin, as the wind was pushing his hair all the way into his face.

"Satou-san taught me. I sat in a squad car with her driving several times, both now and as Conan. Her driving is even worse." _Worse than _**_this__?_**

All in all, I was glad when we finally reached our destination. Glad that the restaurant was almost empty too. I was looking forward to a nice talk. 

We easily got a table a bit further away from the usual noise the costumers make. After we had taken our seats and given our orders, I folded my arms over each other, and took a good look at his face. "You look good, Kudo. Been eating obviously. And exercising too it seems."

He was mocking me again. I could see it before he opened that mouth of his.

"So, the doctor approves?"

"Absolutely. I can see you're on the way to recovery." His face darkened at that. I lowered my voice a little. "Or not?"

He sighed. "Maybe. I don't know yet. Sometimes it seems just like old times. I laugh, make my deductions, dazzle the culprit and the police alike. But then, as I stand proud in the middle of my victories, I remember her. I feel her looking at me, smiling, as if glad of my accomplishments. And that brings all the hurt and guilt back again. It has never really gone away."

"You need to give it some time, Kudo. It has only been a month now."

He smiled sadly at me. "Three weeks, two days, 14 hours and 37 minutes." My eyes opened wide at that. I suddenly realized how deep the wound still was. _Will it ever really heal?_

"You need to give it more time, Kudo." We were both silent for a while then. The conversation had turned old memories loose now. But this wasn't what I had come to Tokyo for.

"Hey, Kudo?" He looked at me, questions in his eyes. I grinned. "You know, I didn't really come here to take you out for lunch. I came out to give you an invitation."

"Invitation to what?"

I tossed a white envelope to him, addressed to 'Kudo Shinichi, biggest idiot of the East' and from 'Hattori Heiji, known genius of the West'. The first was Kazuha's idea; the second mine, of course. She would have died before telling me that. 

"So, open it."

Kudo slowly tore open the envelope. Inside was a card with the picture of a man walking into a trap. He opened it even more slowly than before, and I was itching to snatch it away from him and start reading it to him myself. But then I would spoil the surprise, and I so wanted to see the look on his face when he found…

"What!" The yelp was loud and clear to everyone in the room. He had found it. 

"Hattori, you're not going to tell me this is actually **_true_, are you?"**

I nodded, still grinning. Man, I would have loved to take a picture of his reaction. Kazuha would have loved to see it. But she would just have to do with what I had to tell her.

He was still gaping at me, and I could barely stifle my grin. Time to get more serious. 

"I don't know what to say."

"How about 'Congratulations'?"

"Aho, that's not what I meant. Congratulations of course but…"

I was enjoying this. "But what?"

"But… I can still hardly believe it. You're actually getting **_married_???"**

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Now what's so surprising about that? Can't a guy get married in peace these days?"

He was gulping now. God, this was better than I had ever expected, even in my wildest dreams. 

"That's not what I mean! I'm just surprised you gathered enough courage to actually ask her."

"I didn't."

"Didn't what?"

"Ask her."

I watched the shock registering on his face. _Kazuha, wish you were here._ "You didn't **_ask her__???_"**

I shook my head. "Nope."

"So then…?"

"It just happened. We just agreed to it at the same time. We were having dinner with our parents that day, all together. Everyone was having fun, and then, simultaneously without any agreement, we suddenly both stood up and announced that we were getting married. And that was it."

I could see he was having a hard time believing it. "I am serious, Kudo. We must be psychic or something." _Or it is the omamori… Maybe its link is stronger than we thought._

Disbelief was still there, but he was obviously starting to actually grasp what I was saying. And then I heard him mumbling. "And you never even told me…"

"Ah, but I have a compensation for you." He looked at me doubtfully. "You could be my guest of honor."

Was it actually possible for him to get even more shocked than he already was? You would say impossible, and that's what I _used_ to say. But I swear I saw it happening to Kudo. 

And then the shock was gone, and only happiness was there. "You kidding? I wouldn't miss that for the world!"

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Two months later, it was all over. The wedding had been an enormous success. And I wasn't a bachelor anymore. It felt…wonderful.

It had been a perfectly traditional wedding. Nothing crazy or anything like that. Kazuha and I had discussed the possibility of appearing for our wedding vows in costumes, but decided we didn't want to give anyone a heart attack. 

Kudo arrived in Osaka a few days earlier. Claimed he was there to give me support. And the truth was, I was very glad he was there. I had a bad case of wedding jitters, and was considering calling the whole thing off. Thank God he made me change my mind. Or Kazuha would've had my head.

The reception went fine too. The guests were happy and so were we. Kazuha was wearing a kimono that her mother had worn on her wedding day. At first she hadn't wanted to take it, but her mother had insisted. At the end she had no choice but to accept. She might have been mumbling about it, but I saw her expression. She was really touched.

We 'disappeared' in the middle of the reception. It had been my idea, but Kazuha willingly went along with it. And it was Kudo who helped us out by keeping those who were asking for us busy till we slipped away. We went to Kazuha's house then so that she could get her bags and have time to change. Five minutes later Kudo arrived as well. Since I had already changed, and my bags were in the car, we sat down together and talked our way through the time it took Kazuha to change (which was about an hour).

"So, Hattori, how do you feel now?" Kudo was grinning at me from across the couch, and I grinned back. "I feel like a new man."

"Don't think the feeling will last. After a month, I guarantee you will be at my doorstep in Tokyo complaining bitterly about her giving you orders."

I had to agree with that. That was how she was…

"Yeah well, we'll just wait till that time comes. You know, I never imagined that Ossan would actually come to my wedding. Didn't think he liked me that much. He looked good though."

"Yeah, he's doing okay. I've visited him a couple of times. I told him about Conan too."

That made me catch my breath. I could easily picture his reaction. First he'd just sit there, staring. Then there would be a tirade, and at the end? He would wring Kudo's neck. It was amazing he was still alive. "How did he take it?"

"Pretty well actually. I think he more or less understood."

"That's good." We were silent then, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence, rather companionable. However, there was a question tickling the back of my mind. "Kudo." I stopped; I wasn't quite sure how he would take it, and I really didn't want to spoil the day for him. But still. I had to know. "How do you feel now, Kudo?"

It took him a while to answer to that. "I think I've learned to cope with the situation. Things will never be the same again, and I know that now. I don't think I'll ever really get over it though. I will always stay afraid of getting close to anyone again, afraid of losing them like I lost her. But I also know that time doesn't just stop because you are feeling sad. Life goes on, and you have to keep moving with it, or else you drown. I almost did, would have if not for you." His smile was warm, and I suddenly felt embarrassed. "It's not like I did anything important…"

He chuckled. "You saved me from falling down a cliff."

"Hmm, yeah, I seem to be pretty good at that, or so they tell me." He gave me a playful punch, then we both burst out laughing. 

And it was then that I finally asked them my last question. "What do you feel now for the Black Organization?" His face turned dark, and the smile disappeared. _Damn my stupid mouth. I had to ruin it all right?_

"I feel the same I used to feel, only now it is stronger. They need to pay for what they did. Not just to Ran or to me; to everyone who ever fell under their grasp. Masami-san, Haibara, all those countless others endangered by them. They need to pay for it all. And one day, I will quench my thirst for revenge. I will not rest till I do. One day, I **_will_ make them pay."**

I nodded my head quietly, and left it at that. Kazuha came down then, and after saying goodbye to Kudo, I stepped on the gas. And on the way to our honeymoon destination, I thought about what he had said again, how he had felt, and I kept thanking the Gods that I had made the right choice about telling Kazuha.

And that is the end of my narration. Or maybe it is the beginning of a new one yet to come. There is no end to life, nor a beginning. It goes on in an endless flow of people and events. There's no stopping it; you either go with it or you drown in that raging sea. 

This isn't _the_ end to our story. It's merely _an_ end, till a new beginning starts. And when it does, you will be the first to know.
    
    **_Remember_**
    
    (Harry Nilsson)
    
    _Long ago, far away_
    
    _Life was clear_
    
    _Close your eyes_
    
    _Remember is a place from long ago_
    
    _Remember filled with everything you know_
    
    _Remember when you're sad and feelin' down_
    
    _Remember turn around_
    
    _Remember life is just a memory_
    
    _Remember close your eyes and you can see_
    
    _Remember think of all that life can be_
    
    _Remember--_
    
    _Dream love is only in a dream_
    
    _Remember--_
    
    _Remember life is never as it seems_
    
    _Dream--_
    
    _Dream love is only in a dream_
    
    _Remember--_
    
    _Remember life is never as it seems_
    
    _Dream--_
    
    _Long ago, far away_
    
    _Life was clear_

Close your eyes— 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

**_A/N:_ That was it. Now for some small explanations.**

- 'Yesterday' and 'Remember' do not belong to me, but to their respective owners (The Beatles and Harry Nilsson). I found that they were perfect for this fic, so I added them in.

- The scene with Ran falling off some steps comes from DC theme song(s). I have noticed it especially in Giri Giri Chop. So instead of writing a very short separate fic on that, I merged it in with this one.

I think that was all of it. Special thanks to my beta-readers, Ain, Victor S. (who also gave me some very welcome inspiration at several parts in this fic) and Valerie Chow. And till my next fic…


End file.
